It has been too long.

So much time. So many months, so many days, so many small minutes all rolled up into discoveries and ideas. I am here wanting. At 24 I find that there are only few who know me now, and of those who know me none are so close. The past year was all uphill, scaling ridiculous heights without the safety on and I now carry mace in my car, locking myself in. Once upon a time I knew everyone as I was known by everyone. But there was no solace in that. That all stemmed from a small conversation back in 1999 when this all began, with a super-curly haired girl who was wise beyond our sixteen years. She told me all that I want I must give. For all that I would take it must first be given or else there would be nothing to take. Is this selfishness, then, to know that there is nothing left to give or take either? Or is it simply surrender, a quiet settling of the battle, the soul finally sighing out its relief?

Yesterday for the first time in a long time I helped someone. It was raining and I grabbed my umbrella and helped an elderly lady put her groceries in her car. In this act I became again who I was before, and I felt the small hug of a child who genuinely understands the time you've put into working with her: the way children know a person good from evil.